Stop Shaming Sluts

Dears, as you know I take a very dim view of feminists. If they’re not burning pound notes with Jane Austen on them, they’re demanding that they get supremacy over men. I think this is very wrong as the Lord (a man) gave up his only child (also a man) to save us all, it seems, if nothing else, rather ungrateful.

He didn’t go to all this trouble and explained it all to Moses (another man) who climbed that big hill to hear his words and transcribe them verbatim to those tablets, just to have a load of unshaven, bra-less, emasculators throw it all back in his bearded face. 

No, he did not.

However, there is one thing that I have had explained to me, by my PR team and in an effort to prove to the crucial teenage demographic, which shores up any media career these days,  that I am of course "across the issue" I have decided to prove my understanding and genuinely kind intentions.

As tiresome but necessary PR guru and skateboarding champion Ben explained to me" It's the mother fucking 'hoody hot spot/sweet spot' Mrs M. Get that and I shit you not, you're "hashtag" golden" 

That in mind here are my thoughts.

We need, on an urgent basis, to stop shaming sluts.

And I’ll tell you for why.

Sluts are present in our society admittedly. They stalk out blessed marital unions for signs of failing wives and force themselves on our innocent husbands willy nilly admittedly BUT those actions of fat calved predators aside, sluts need our love compassion and help.

Dear Mary Magdalene was a slut. But she was a good slut who, foot bathing duties aside, was, I imagine to be found of a holy evening, busying herself with shroud darning or unleavened bread baking, or listening politely while Jesus talked through yet another of his disciples meetings which had not gone as well as he had hoped and thus fevered his divine man-brow.

Modern day sluts need no less compassion and understanding as they navigate the tumultuous waters of front bottom wrangling.

Sex was, is and always will be a mystery, to decent ladies such as myself and should be ideally embarked upon for it’s intended purpose, I.E. making lovely bonny babies, rather than the recreational urgings which, sadly, seem to dominate these days.

Shaming these said sluts, serves only to demonise them further and I SAY NO MORE.

I urge you via my newly found, but richly deserved, celebrity status; to say, let the sluts alone.  I don’t know any personally of course but were I to encounter one she would have my pity, compassion and understanding.

Just not an invitation to any social gathering.

In conclusion dears this film will inspire any sluts whose lifestyle choices result in the obvious.

 It's here in case, they need to know the right thing to do.

Your Friend Mrs M.

Front bottom urges in the marital state-A cautionary Tale

Shameless, shocking and despicable adultery can strike anyone of us at anytime. 

I think of President Bill Clinton and Monica Geller (sister of famed spoon bender Uri) and other famed Philanderers and wonder, amongst many things, if the Whitehouse had had a smoking shelter whether any of that would have happened? 

I don't know but in my quest to further our understanding of the human condition I have embarked on a voyage of understanding.

I’m not one to judge people who find themselves in this situation, as those Whores of Babylon stalk our relationships and unions, blessed by the good lord, everyday. 

Those people are called men. 

And I’ll tell you for why.

 They are blameless. They are driven by front bottom urges, which we ladies know nothing about.

I myself have grappled with my dear Pier's unfortunate enamourment-ism of fat calved Kathleen. They remain ensconced in their vipers nest of a two bedroom flat of lust as we speak.  But this isn't about me.

Here speaking completely honestly and without fear of recrimination as his wife Amanda doesn’t know, Paul Donaldson from Loughborough who works for Trendy’s electrical wholesalers in the Human Resources department agreed to speak to me off the record.

Paul (anonymous)

I didn’t plan on this you never do but there were several reasons why this happened. Mainly because my wife is so cold and lazy and left me absolutely no choice.

I nod in sympathy and understanding. And allow the whole tale to unfold itself rather like a slinky travelling down the staircase of a modern detached house that is only partially carpeted in the centre with metal strips holding it in place, as per health and safety guidelines describe.

“Go on Paul” I urge. He does so.

Paul (Anonymous):

The thing is it was really an accident, very like slipping on a dropped teabag, or picking up someone else’s takeaway order. As I say we didn’t plan it no one does but I suppose I was basically stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Me: And the rock Paul? Who was the rock?

Paul (Anonymous) Well that was my wife

Me: Well that explains why you had to access your hard place…

Paul (Anonymous): Well yes it does. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I was forced by either of the women in my life and I certainly tried to protect everyone by burning all the hotel receipts and not spending money on condoms, but I was really the victim here and it’s not fashionable to say so but people forget that when you have an affair it’s much worse for the person having the affair than it is for your wife and family.

Because it’s quite tiring and having to remember all the various lies you are forced to tell is very stressful.

I mean all the sex is great and exciting but also it’s quite confusing because you have to keep doing it even when you’re a bit tired. Then there’s also all the nagging “when are you going to leave your wife” and the winging from your when you’re late home and miss parents evening etc…. Mostly you feel quite hurt that your wife doesn’t notice…. because they are so distracted with working full time and looking after the home and shopping and cooking and looking after the children so my needs are pretty much ignored, which is why I had to have the affair in the first place really.

Me: I see well thank you so much for explaining do you think you’ll tell your wife Paul (Anonymous)?

Paul (Anonymous) God no she’s so tired from supporting her mother through all the chemotherapy she’s never got 5 minutes to spare. I’ll just go solo, as usual, LOL (He actually says the word LOL which I don’t understand but I put it down to his deep distress)

Me: You really are very considerate Paul (Anonymous) and thank once again for telling us your story. It’s truly heartbreaking.

Paul (Anonymous):  Thank you.

So there we have it. Wives beware if you continue to ignore the man of your heart and hearth you too may fail him as Paul has been failed. Stay vigilant dears

Your friend Mrs. M. x